I want to be vulnerable

For the past 18 years of my life I have dealt with an illness known as Common variable Hypogammaglobulinemia and interstitial lung disease it does not appear the outside. It has a series of sideeffects and most of the time you look normal. The truth is you live in the land of your own island. I appear to be fine and happy, but I am worn and tired. I am scared and feel like the pain is to much. I am here for you to ignore my own pain but I am still just making it through.
I am pretty happy and love to make jokes and smile but today I just wanted to be real that I am having a rough time.
This illnes has increased my health risks as well and has provoked me to also have cancer. This has been a difficult and lonely journey. Most of the time I have kept people at a safe distance including myself. Fears of dying often linger in my head and I am fearful of the unknowns.

This illnes has even helped me put a wall of bricks around my heart. I dont want anyone getting close because I dont want to feel bad if I die and they are left alone. its those here on earth that grive not those who pass forward from this life.

I was only a 11 when I got sick and have choosen to live a life that makes people not see that I am in pain. I choose to hide behind the closet of fear and deciption often so people are not aware of my heart.

Recently, I was in a serious debate with myself...yes I do talk to myself. I was realizing that I have do honor my body. I eat to fit in and eat to fit out. I eat to satisfy and eat to fill the empty places in my life. I eat to cover up the scars and hide behind the mask of not wanting to be loved. I eat to feel normal but deal with abnormal eating behavior.

I want to honor my body so today I am taking a stand. I am doing whatever I can to be a healthy Sarah. I want to live as long as possible because I did everything I could. When the times comes and I leave this earthly body, I hope to be able to say that it was  Common variable Hypogammaglobulinemia and interstitial lung disease not my poor responsblity of eating.

The point of this blog will be used as a place of authentic journaling my health. A safe place for me to state how its going and what is changing as I change.

As of tonight I am in the obsese catorgory. I am me and I am not changing for anyone else but me. Join me on this new me. I will post a today shot soon so that you can get a before and a monthly view.

Here we go!!!
"I understand now that the vulnerability I've always felt is the greatest strength a person can have. You can't experience life without feeling life. What I've learned is that being vulnerable to somebody you love is not a weakness, it's a strength."
Elisabeth Shue