A couple of weeks ago, I was looking a head at my future. Questioning the path that I was on. Was it one that would motivate me to keep, my dreams alive. Or would my dreams slowly fade away because I would just believe that I am not able to do it.
Three weeks ago I started a new job after being at my old job for about 4.5 years it was head to leave my comfortablity. I knew though inside that my dream of working with students needed some more experience. I needed to prove to myself that I could have the energy to be with kids for a fullday.
the first day I tired to work and then go to the gym did not happen as planned. I was so mentally tired that I got home by 4pm and slept and slept and slept and slept until 5:00 am the next morning and did the rountinue again. Friday, could not come fast enough!! I was exhusted but yet a renewed energy kept me going strong everyday. Was it the acknowledgement that by allowing myself to eat right and sleep I was able to keep going.
After the first week I was motivated and edgar to see what would happen next. I had a day of fear and anixety when asked to come to talk to the director, my fear were all over myface when she told me it was just to give me some general heads up...I felt relieved. I realized that day though that my mountain was still needing to be climbed. I had gotten over hills of past anxiety but not enough to be at the highest peak in the valley of life.
Darkness that night fell over me as I tired to consentrate to do school work, I began thinking maybe I am not good enough to do it. Maybe I am just trying to get my name in the lights and paper saying look at me..."you tired to stop me and I am still standing"
read tomorrow to find out about the rest of the climb....
Saturday, November 5, 2011
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
What is my motvation?
My motvation comes from an inside of me that has been fighting for a long time. I got sick in December of 1992 and my life was changed its when I went through a stage of fear and being unloved. My health struggles caused me to turn away from the mirror and stop seeing myself as beautiful. I did not feel that anyone would ever look at me as "sexy" or pretty enough. I started to hide my tears and my heart breaking as eaxh person got there first "real" kiss and I was still kissing my pillow. I did not know what LOVE really was. I never understood what it meant to hear someone say WOW you are a knockout!!!
When April 2010 took place and I lost my kidney, I got into a serious depression. though I smiled and acted fine, I knew life was throwing a lot of fast balls. I couldnt keep up with all the changes that were taking place so I stopped fighting and started eating. I ate and ate and ate to stuff away the empty place where my kidney use to be. In the moment of my deepest despair a friend came by myside and invited me to realize how much I can offer the world.
I satup and began to look inside of myself and pulled out all my notecards that I had about a dream that had been embedded in my soul for a LONG TIME!!!!
the dream was LifeHouse Pgh...more to come on that in another blog post. Last October I had a meeting about it and discovered that one area of my life was my education. I did not have a good foundation to backup my years of experience and I needed that. then in January I decided to apply to grad school and I got in. :)
I realized that education would help me with LifeHouse Pgh!!! I started in April 2011 a year after my kidney was taken out. A dream was being born in the empty place!
this past september I was realizing that my health needed some holistical healing, so I looked into what that means. I was becoming unhappy with my physical appearance but did not know what to do.
Then as I sat in the hospital, i discovered that maybe I was eating to feed myself and not my future.
With that in mind, I began thinking about LifeHouse Pgh and realized that one aspect of the program is healthy eating. I wont talk about anything that I have not accomplished myself so with that in mond, I began investgating on what they means and looks like. I realized I needed to seek professional help.
I joined a gym and asking people for any advice on how to take care of my whole body!
If you have any suggestions please let me know!!
I want those kids in my future to know that we eat to live not live to eat!
In order to change we must be sick and tired of being sick and tired. ~Author Unknown
When April 2010 took place and I lost my kidney, I got into a serious depression. though I smiled and acted fine, I knew life was throwing a lot of fast balls. I couldnt keep up with all the changes that were taking place so I stopped fighting and started eating. I ate and ate and ate to stuff away the empty place where my kidney use to be. In the moment of my deepest despair a friend came by myside and invited me to realize how much I can offer the world.
I satup and began to look inside of myself and pulled out all my notecards that I had about a dream that had been embedded in my soul for a LONG TIME!!!!
the dream was LifeHouse Pgh...more to come on that in another blog post. Last October I had a meeting about it and discovered that one area of my life was my education. I did not have a good foundation to backup my years of experience and I needed that. then in January I decided to apply to grad school and I got in. :)
I realized that education would help me with LifeHouse Pgh!!! I started in April 2011 a year after my kidney was taken out. A dream was being born in the empty place!
this past september I was realizing that my health needed some holistical healing, so I looked into what that means. I was becoming unhappy with my physical appearance but did not know what to do.
Then as I sat in the hospital, i discovered that maybe I was eating to feed myself and not my future.
With that in mind, I began thinking about LifeHouse Pgh and realized that one aspect of the program is healthy eating. I wont talk about anything that I have not accomplished myself so with that in mond, I began investgating on what they means and looks like. I realized I needed to seek professional help.
I joined a gym and asking people for any advice on how to take care of my whole body!
If you have any suggestions please let me know!!
I want those kids in my future to know that we eat to live not live to eat!
In order to change we must be sick and tired of being sick and tired. ~Author Unknown
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
WOW!!!
Dont know how to tell you how much even my life has changed since I decided to take care of me.
WOW WOW WOW
I am sorry if I ever made you offended or not loved in a certain way. I may have not known the best way to support you because I did not know how to do that for me. I did not know that taking care of myself had to be my number one priorty. my friend Krista wrote in a recent note to me that there is a difference between self-care and self-centered. I would say that I am a pretty self-less person and I am not self-centered but I did not have any SELF-CARE. I had no respect for myself. However, since my change I feel like I am able to give good support and love to those around me. I am able to encouage those near me and take care of me as well. I am dedicated to make this a life time change. I am working on what that looks like to honor my body with rest and good foods. I am learning what it means to work out and get up and dance!!
.
WOW WOW WOW
I am sorry if I ever made you offended or not loved in a certain way. I may have not known the best way to support you because I did not know how to do that for me. I did not know that taking care of myself had to be my number one priorty. my friend Krista wrote in a recent note to me that there is a difference between self-care and self-centered. I would say that I am a pretty self-less person and I am not self-centered but I did not have any SELF-CARE. I had no respect for myself. However, since my change I feel like I am able to give good support and love to those around me. I am able to encouage those near me and take care of me as well. I am dedicated to make this a life time change. I am working on what that looks like to honor my body with rest and good foods. I am learning what it means to work out and get up and dance!!
.
"At any moment, you have the ability to dramatically change any area of your life, or follow your heart's deepest desires. It's yours to create, any way you want it".
Craig Townsend Website
Craig Townsend Website
Thursday, October 6, 2011
Day 1 to the new me
As I walking the treadmill this morning, I kept saying to myself I am doing this for myself. I was proud of myself it took me a little longer to walk a mile than I wanted but i did it and did not stop....YEA!!!
Its not pride or self boasting that I am doing it but because I want to be healthy and strong. I want to believe that I hold the key to how my life path takes me.
I am loved for who I am not what I do or dont do. People who know me care about me because I care for them. Its going to be a long road ahead but I believe I can do it.
I am proud of every detour I have conqured and continue to be overcome, so I know that soon this will just be another step past.
I am not prefect and I have made mistakes! I live to please no one but am sometime dependent on how you view me. I do the best that I can and am working hard to be better. I will do what it takes to feel good.
Its not pride or self boasting that I am doing it but because I want to be healthy and strong. I want to believe that I hold the key to how my life path takes me.
I am loved for who I am not what I do or dont do. People who know me care about me because I care for them. Its going to be a long road ahead but I believe I can do it.
I am proud of every detour I have conqured and continue to be overcome, so I know that soon this will just be another step past.
I am not prefect and I have made mistakes! I live to please no one but am sometime dependent on how you view me. I do the best that I can and am working hard to be better. I will do what it takes to feel good.
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
I want to be vulnerable
For the past 18 years of my life I have dealt with an illness known as Common variable Hypogammaglobulinemia and interstitial lung disease it does not appear the outside. It has a series of sideeffects and most of the time you look normal. The truth is you live in the land of your own island. I appear to be fine and happy, but I am worn and tired. I am scared and feel like the pain is to much. I am here for you to ignore my own pain but I am still just making it through.
I am pretty happy and love to make jokes and smile but today I just wanted to be real that I am having a rough time.
This illnes has increased my health risks as well and has provoked me to also have cancer. This has been a difficult and lonely journey. Most of the time I have kept people at a safe distance including myself. Fears of dying often linger in my head and I am fearful of the unknowns.
This illnes has even helped me put a wall of bricks around my heart. I dont want anyone getting close because I dont want to feel bad if I die and they are left alone. its those here on earth that grive not those who pass forward from this life.
I was only a 11 when I got sick and have choosen to live a life that makes people not see that I am in pain. I choose to hide behind the closet of fear and deciption often so people are not aware of my heart.
Recently, I was in a serious debate with myself...yes I do talk to myself. I was realizing that I have do honor my body. I eat to fit in and eat to fit out. I eat to satisfy and eat to fill the empty places in my life. I eat to cover up the scars and hide behind the mask of not wanting to be loved. I eat to feel normal but deal with abnormal eating behavior.
I want to honor my body so today I am taking a stand. I am doing whatever I can to be a healthy Sarah. I want to live as long as possible because I did everything I could. When the times comes and I leave this earthly body, I hope to be able to say that it was Common variable Hypogammaglobulinemia and interstitial lung disease not my poor responsblity of eating.
The point of this blog will be used as a place of authentic journaling my health. A safe place for me to state how its going and what is changing as I change.
As of tonight I am in the obsese catorgory. I am me and I am not changing for anyone else but me. Join me on this new me. I will post a today shot soon so that you can get a before and a monthly view.
Here we go!!!
"I understand now that the vulnerability I've always felt is the greatest strength a person can have. You can't experience life without feeling life. What I've learned is that being vulnerable to somebody you love is not a weakness, it's a strength."
Elisabeth Shue
I am pretty happy and love to make jokes and smile but today I just wanted to be real that I am having a rough time.
This illnes has increased my health risks as well and has provoked me to also have cancer. This has been a difficult and lonely journey. Most of the time I have kept people at a safe distance including myself. Fears of dying often linger in my head and I am fearful of the unknowns.
This illnes has even helped me put a wall of bricks around my heart. I dont want anyone getting close because I dont want to feel bad if I die and they are left alone. its those here on earth that grive not those who pass forward from this life.
I was only a 11 when I got sick and have choosen to live a life that makes people not see that I am in pain. I choose to hide behind the closet of fear and deciption often so people are not aware of my heart.
Recently, I was in a serious debate with myself...yes I do talk to myself. I was realizing that I have do honor my body. I eat to fit in and eat to fit out. I eat to satisfy and eat to fill the empty places in my life. I eat to cover up the scars and hide behind the mask of not wanting to be loved. I eat to feel normal but deal with abnormal eating behavior.
I want to honor my body so today I am taking a stand. I am doing whatever I can to be a healthy Sarah. I want to live as long as possible because I did everything I could. When the times comes and I leave this earthly body, I hope to be able to say that it was Common variable Hypogammaglobulinemia and interstitial lung disease not my poor responsblity of eating.
The point of this blog will be used as a place of authentic journaling my health. A safe place for me to state how its going and what is changing as I change.
As of tonight I am in the obsese catorgory. I am me and I am not changing for anyone else but me. Join me on this new me. I will post a today shot soon so that you can get a before and a monthly view.
Here we go!!!
"I understand now that the vulnerability I've always felt is the greatest strength a person can have. You can't experience life without feeling life. What I've learned is that being vulnerable to somebody you love is not a weakness, it's a strength."
Elisabeth Shue
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